i'm back.

i shall explain my absence. my last post was on April 30th, which normally comes right before May 1st, which is apparently a pretty important holiday here in Germany. Me and Björn went to a park, where we met up with some friends, and we got to having a pretty good time. And yes, we were drinking. Sue me. I'll get back to ranting about my exchange contract later. But we were sitting on a hillside before a lake, drinking, and chatting with friends, and we did so for a rather long time. I had some very profound conversations with people who i'm sure had no idea what the hell i was saying, and for love or money, i can't remember what the hell we were talking about. i remember most of the day, but not my conversations, which is pretty much par for the course. i don't remember most conversations even when i'm not wasted. i talked to some people i already knew, met some people i knew of, and met some people entirely new to me. i had a really good time. however. one thing i remember vividly was what i drank before my last one. vodka. vodka. beer. vodka. vodka. and then the last one. i think it was rum, but the moment that drink passed my lips, i felt sick to my stomach. not sick as in vomiting, but sick as in a sudden, startlingly depressing realization sick. next thing i know, i absolutely have to get home to Canada. there was nothing else, my mind was set, and i needed to be home. now. next thing i know, i'm walking with Björn to the parking lot, yelling my damn head off, pissed out of my mind, asking to go home. Then, for reasons still unknown to me, i turned and punched Björn. luckily for both of us, i was drunk and had really bad aim. i just clipped him, he says he didn't even feel it, but my knuckle was bruised and red the next day, so it definitely connected. only my smallest knuckle. not a great shot, not something to be proud of. then i'm in the car, on the way home. i get home and post that retarded post to Facebook, that i'm sure many people saw before i removed it. not sure how i even got to Facebook, i can barely type my password in properly sober (it's a pain in the ass...but i digress...). but i did, and posted something completely stupid. I also apparently hate pears, according to my drunken ravings. i don't hate pears, i have nothing against pears. they aren't my favorite fruit, but i DO NOT HATE THEM. anyways. I slept from whenever we got home until midnight, at which point the blunt edge of my headache struck. i also had a massive stomach ache, now attributed to the fact that all i'd eaten that day was a piece of toast, with an early supper the previous night. as such, i was unable to sleep for the next 4 hours, followed by some restless, nauseated sleep. that was my 'Erste Mai'. 

i have not posted this to my blog because i then spent the next 6 days constantly going over the story with every single person who saw any post i set to Facebook. i got really, really sick of telling this damn story, so i didn't post it here. but now that i realize what has come out of this story...

this moment led me to a very real realization. i realized, in my drunken state, with my objective view of my Canadian life, just how dissatisfied i am, and with what. i got a glimpse of what could be, and a full view of the man i am in Canada, and i realized that i am not satisfied, and some major changes will be made upon my return. but the moment at that party (if i can call it a party...?) made me realize. it opened my eyes, my mind unbound and the illusion raised. have you ever told yourself something over and over, until you believe it? such as 'this is good enough, i am satisfied!'? don't. this happened to me, and has continually happened to me an innumerable amount of times. i have assumed that something would be fine, it's good enough for me. now that i can see it objectively, from a third person view, i have no idea why i made some choices that made sense three months ago. this exchange has made me aware, but the party opened my eyes. it made me realize. and now, i can fix the problems. i can make myself better, i can be the man i want to be instead of making concessions and cutting important aspects of my life. i can work on fulfilling myself truly, instead of fulfilling the shade that i was.

my contract. in order to go on this student exchange, i had to sign a contract stating that i would not involve myself in a cornucopia of activities that, upon review, the authors of the contract should have realized that they cannot enforce or monitor. some of these rules make sense, such as a termination of exchange should one get pregnant while in Germany, but some rules make no sense and upon several inquiries have not turned up any viable evidence to support their existence. the rule in question: no drinking at any point while in Germany unless it is given by a host as part of a cultural event.' what. the. hell. drinking is part of the culture here, and without clarification concerning the criteria of a 'cultural event', drinking in a group of Germans while yelling at a tv screen showing a football game could be cultural (and is!). furthermore, the gross majority of the people i've met here drink. they're 16, and are allowed to by law drink wine and beer, the light stuff. but that doesn't stop anything from happening, it's easier if anything to get alcohol here than in Canada underage (think what you want, i have no personal experience with such activities in Canada, i know from observation of others). but the point is, they have no reasonable way to ensure that we're not drinking, no real way to prove that we were, and they are unreasonable to deny us this. you are sending us to a place where we are legally allowed to drink, and telling us, no you can't. i don't care how old you are. you can't. well, i hate to say it, but yes. i can. i do. i will. and this violation of the rules led to what was probably one of the most stunning realizations of my life and maybe one of the sharpest turning points in my history.

and now, my rant is over. i did little that was noteworthy in the last week, i saw a church in Fulda and went bowling. scored 394 points in four games, in 10 pin. not much to tell.

so until something noteworthy happens, or i have anything worth reading to write,

bis dann.